God, it’s me again

We’ve been here a thousand times before and I’m back

Broken.

Scarred.

Hurt.

Hollowed out.

Beaten and bare.

Again.

I hate to be repetitive but I need to know:

Why am I here?

Why this place?

Why this major?

Why this job?

Why this family?

Why this past?

Why this present?

Why?

I’m trying not doubting you

I know you have a plan for me,

for my life,

for my past, present, and future

Your Word says as much is true

But I’m still here, confused

What good is going to come out of the messes I’ve made?

I’m trying to make sense of it all, but I just can’t

And the questions just keep piling higher and higher

God, I need you more now than ever before

To hold me tighter

To keep me standing.

To make it so I can go through another day

In all my trust, I’m starting to lose faith in the fact that it will get better

That there really is some light in this suffocating darkness

I’m not asking for you to snap your fingers like a genie in a bottle

I’m not asking for you to magically make this mess disappear

I really just need you to hold me tighter in this moment

So I can see that even in this, you’ll never let go

In my faith, I’m trusting that you have a plan

That this is pain will be for a reason

I already can see some good in this moment

If nothing else, I’m pressing harder into you

For strength because I am weary

For hope because mine is wearing thin

For love because I feel so unlovable right now

For comfort because I feel alone

God above all help me to have faith even in the midst of my questions, doubts, and fears

In this moment,

All of today,

And tomorrow,

And until you take me home

Because this is hard

And I’m starting to lose hope