The Struggle With Change

Things change.  Constantly.  Forever.  These past 6 weeks of my Sophomore year have been challenging.  Correction.  Every moment since the Spring semester ended has been challenging.  These past couple of months have been full of new lessons and experiences.  Take this summer for example.  This summer was the first time I lived completely on my own.  My first time grocery shopping and cooking for myself for a long period of time.  The first Birthday that I spent away from my family and friends, and completely alone.  The longest time I have ever been and felt completely alone.  It was hard.  It was the hardest summer I’ve gone through.  I enjoyed working and eventually came to love and accept the aloneness of it all, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard.  Until August, I hadn’t really seen my family since the first week of spring break in March (my time home in June sooo does not count, considering that I barely saw my parents and spent pretty much the entire time babysitting).  It was so great to see them.  All of them!  I got to finally hold my healthy baby brother and snuggle my little Lydia (who is growing up wayyyy too fast!).  I actually got to see my parents and my extended family as well.  I was home long enough for my brothers to argue with me, and take walks with Addy (who is now 11 and is getting old too).  It was so great to go to my home church and see my best friend too!  Oh and Dairy Bell.  Nuff said.

But since then, I’ve struggled to readjust to campus life.  I’m working and taking 17 credits.  I do my homework in the library, and rarely spend time in my room or am on the floor at all.  I don’t see my roommate, let alone any of my other friends.  Oh, and as I’ve mentioned a million times before, Ashlyn and Jessica graduated, so my two favorite people are no longer a part of my life.  (If you couldn’t tell, I really miss them).  Part of me misses being alone, the other half wishes that I could just relax and be around people without worrying if I’m going to get everything I need to get done, done.  I crave city adventures with people.  I want to visit coffee shops and go on Aldi runs.  I want to go and visit Jess at Doane desk again.  I want to visit Ashlyn and watch Sherlock when I’ve had a bad day.  Basically I want to rewind to last year and make it so things never changed.

There is another struggle that I’ve encountered this semester that I didn’t feel as strongly last year.  I miss my family.  A lot.  I miss my parents and siblings.  Especially the little ones like Lia, Luke, Lydia, and Ephraim.  I miss Fall in the Valley.  I miss football games, fresh apple cider, and apple doughnuts.  I miss the Bellville World’s street fair and blissful small town living.  I miss having a church that I actually feel at home at.

These past couple of months have been full of struggles, and honestly, it’s been hard to see God’s hand in all of this.  I feel a peace knowing that he is holding me, but at the same time it doesn’t make it any less hard at times.  I write all of this to say that I am a Christian girl that goes to the Moody Bible Institute, and I’m not perfect. (Despite what some people in my life have come to believe)  I wrestle with my faith.  I struggle with feeling alone.  I may not feel it all of the time, but I know that my Father is holding me while I struggle, and will never leave me.  Overall, the lesson I’m learning right now is basic, change is difficult, but it’s a part of life.

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